15 ~ Wrapping it up

As I type this chapter, I am sitting in Uganda, East Africa. Some colleagues and I are waiting for our shuttle to take us to the airport, where we will begin a 30ish hour journey back home to the U.S. I have just spent a few days in meetings after spending a week touring northern Ugandan camps for South Sudanese refugees. As you know, the non-profit that I work for provides audio Bibles in all of the various languages needed in these camps, and the ministry that we are traveling with sponsors children in this area, distributes our audio Bibles, and helps to support churches that spring up organically from these group listening programs. Feel free to check out Faith Comes by Hearing and Promise Child online.

Grab your copy of Sovereign and Gentle here

Our youngest just turned nine months old, our two oldest just graduated kindergarten, and we are thoroughly enjoying our five kiddos, six and under. This particular moment is significant for a few reasons: my wife texted me just a few hours ago to remind me that yesterday was my one-year anniversary of my kidney donation. Yes, my wife had to remind me of the date a day after it had occurred. I have spoken to Loren less than a dozen times since the donation, and there was no fanfare on our donation anniversary. If I had done this to bring glory to myself, I would be living an extremely disappointing life right now. I might even be depressed. I guess you really don’t get anything for doing this besides a few scars and stories for parties that I’ll never attend because … I’m an introvert.

I want to honestly tell you all that I am perfectly at peace with the donation. I am not let down in its aftermath, and I don’t feel as though Loren owes me anything for it. This was God’s gift to him, and the anniversaries will continue to come and go and be forgotten. I will likely remember the donation anniversary on the years that I happen to check my Facebook memories, and I will likely forget on the years that I do not. I doubt that Loren will ever make something of the day, and I am not waiting for him to do so. I am confident that he is grateful to God for his new life, and that is enough for me to rest in. Life is simply… moving on.

This time is also significant to Julia and me as we decided several weeks ago to pursue a second adoption. We launched our fundraising efforts just two weeks ago before I left for Uganda. We have no reason to believe that Julia cannot conceive naturally, but we feel very strongly that the Lord would have us take this next step of faith. Why mention this to you all? You see, we’ve had a pretty eventful first dozen years of marriage. We could tell ourselves that we have earned the right to take our ease and slow down a bit, and we’ve been told by some to do just that. We don’t believe that is what God has for us. We believe that we are walking the path laid out for us as he leads through the darkness. We could choose an easier path based on past struggles that would entitle us to live a certain lifestyle, or we could choose to continue in the vein of stepping ahead blindly but in faith, empowered by the overwhelming hand of kindness that the Sovereign Lord places on our backs as he whispers to our hearts what he would have us to do. One of my favorite hymns sums this up perfectly:

I Know Who Holds Tomorrow

Ira F. Stanphill

Verse 1 I don’t know about tomorrow; I just live from day to day. I don’t borrow from its sunshine For its skies may turn to grey. I don’t worry o’er the future, For I know what Jesus said. And today I’ll walk beside Him, For He knows what lies ahead.

Chorus Many things about tomorrow I don’t seem to understand But I know who holds tomorrow And I know who holds my hand.

Verse 2 Every step is getting brighter As the golden stairs I climb; Every burden’s getting lighter, Every cloud is silver-lined. There the sun is always shining, There no tear will dim the eye; At the ending of the rainbow Where the mountains touch the sky.

Verse 3 I don’t know about tomorrow; It may bring me poverty. But the one who feeds the sparrow, Is the one who stands by me. And the pathway that be my portion May be through the flame or flood; But His presence goes before me And I’m covered with His blood.

So, in summary, I would like to take you on a brief journey to show the similarities that we all share in the flesh and the difference that the Gospel makes to the believer.

How can we, as humans, driven to survive, come to the point that we would give willingly to another surviving human, something vital to ensuring our own survival? While it does not make sense, we see this all the time. We see selfless sacrifice; we see parents go hungry to feed their children, we see the homeless share the little that they have with their homeless brothers and sisters and pets, and we constantly see generous donors giving vast amounts of their resources to help those in need. We cannot become pious in this and say that the generosity spoken of is a benefit of living the Christian life. There are “Christians” out there who wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire for fear of their own dehydration. There are those of us who proclaim that we are redeemed, who pass by the broken-down motorist, accidents, and people in need without a second thought. Many of us don't often help the needy, many don’t actively look for opportunities to serve the body, and for many of us, our favorite passage is from Self Preservation 2:15: The Lord helpeth those who helpeth themselves. Meanwhile, we see God deniers and, in some cases, God-haters giving of themselves and of their goods willingly and plentifully to serve those in need.

Certainly, this is not a rule in which all Christians are rude and selfish, and all non-protestants are gracious and selfless. These generalities can be applied whichever way you like depending on the point you may be trying to make. It simply isn't fair or accurate to ascribe gratitude to Christian living or ingratitude to a life devoid of a theological understanding of the doctrines of Grace.

The understanding of gratitude or the enlightenment to such a state, however, can come from a life surrendered to the Lord and his Creation, obedience to his command to give thanks always in all things, living in surrender to the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Galatians 5:22-26

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

Gratitude is often a side effect of each of these fruits, and therefore it would not be inappropriate to thank God when we encounter gracious and thankful people regardless of their understanding of God as he is revealed in the scriptures. It is always fair to say that a surrendered Christian is a grateful Christian, but it is not fair or accurate to say that an unbeliever cannot know gratitude. So many come towards gratitude from a framework of mysticism, oneness with the world around us, karma, or any number of secular reasons. Gratitude has been extended to all of us as a common grace, and it is ours to decide if we will seize on that gratitude and pay it forward or not. Gratitude is a common grace bestowed on all of us, like the scent of spring rain, fresh-cut grass, or a cool mountain breeze descending on a hot day of manual labor. These graces are given to all mankind regardless of devotion to the Lord. I have seen so much gratitude extending in the living donor community, which from my experience, has been filled largely with unbelievers. I am not talking about the hero worship, praise, and gratitude, from hospital staff or organ recipients. The Gratitude that living donors have for life is simply astounding. The type of person who is drawn to donate a kidney or part of a liver is generally a salt-of-the-earth good person. Please don’t mince my words here. I am not making a redemptive statement. I am simply saying that by many standards, these are very good people. These are folks who choose to focus on the good in life; they choose to spread joy, they choose to look inward for what they may have an excess of an effort to share that plenty with those in need, and those of us who are believers and do not share these same tendencies have a lot to learn from this community. There are thousands of living donors walking around who have given of their own bodies to serve another with no compulsion or leading from the Spirit that they know of. They simply saw a need and saw themselves as the fulfillment of that need. Sure, some of these may have given out of a selfish desire to get something in return, fill an emptiness inside, or feel like a hero for a moment, but I haven't seen a lot of that. I have been exposed to very selfless people who have given of themselves freely and who are effervescent with gratitude to have had the opportunity to do so. If I may be clear, I am not that guy. I was not looking for an opportunity to give of myself freely. Ashamed to admit, but I am not so filled with gratitude for the blessings in my life that I had a compulsion to lay down on the operating table and happily have a urologist dig out my left kidney, slop it in a basin, and carry it to the adjacent operating room. No, I am often less grateful than the unbelievers I am surrounded by. I have the greatest reason of all to be grateful, and I often do not live in a state of gratitude. As a whole, I have a lot of work to do in this area. I say all this to draw your attention to a very clearly defined chasm that I had to cross. On my side of that drop-off, I do not fit in with the gracious and grateful crowd described above. I can walk right up to the edge and be considered by some to be a good person, but donating an organ while you're still alive and being happy about it? No, that rest on the other side of the divide, and I have no compulsion in and of myself to cross over to that side. With Christ as my redeemer, my flesh is still not as kind, grateful, or selfless as some unredeemed people. That thought is very uncomfortable, and it feels terrible to expose these thoughts to you now, but it is the truth. There is nothing in me apart from Christ that would have been willing to help Loren in this manner. I would not fit in with the living donor crowd apart from Christ. I cannot compete with these gracious salt-of-the-earth living donors. This book is not about how awesome I was to save Loren’s life. This book is intended to highlight how amazing God is to have been able to take me and serve Loren with the gifts entrusted to my body. I have been called to be salt and light, and apart from Christ, I am blander and dimmer than many unbelievers that I know. If I am being honest, and that is the intent of this book, my flesh belongs on one side of that chasm. On one side, you have true gratitude, selflessness, and worship-filled giving, and on the other side, you find people like me filled with entitlement focused on the fulfillment of selfish desires. As I write this, I am visualizing the Royal Gorge in Canyon City, Colorado, as a representation of what separates me from where my flesh prefers to live daily and where the Spirit would have me. I have never been to the Grand Canyon, and while that is likely more appropriate, I can’t visualize it. Perhaps I will visit there with Julia and the kids and revise this book later, but for now, I see myself sitting on a granite rock a few yards from a massive drop-off. White water rapids hurl themselves through the canyon nearly 1,000 feet below along the Arkansas River, and a massive suspension bridge to my right is the only means of accessing the gravel path 1,260 feet away across the gorge from me. From where I sit, I may not need a new vehicle with the latest connectivity and comfort options, but I feel as though I have earned that by driving a meager vehicle for so long, and I think I deserve it. From my granite stone throne, I can see that I deserve a new house in a new subdivision, with a community pool, tennis courts, and multiple playground options for the kids. I want my kids in a better school, and my friends use elite schools, so why shouldn’t I? I can also easily tell myself that I deserve the next promotion at work; after all, who works harder than I do? “No one,” I tell myself. My co-worker has worked here 12 months less than I have, and they’ve already been promoted twice. It’s my turn. As I stare into the abyss of my discontented life, I can see that I deserve designer clothes. I need to dress for success, and my wife stays at home, so she should make the needed sacrifices so that I can look my best, live the lifestyle I want outside of my home. I ask myself, “Why doesn’t my wife treat me like the young assistants treat me at work? She should, right?” I deserve to be doted on and admired. I deserve for her body to look like it did when we were first married. I work hard to provide for this family, and she owes me that much. I deserve to be waited on, loved, and even adored. I can get whatever I want, and I deserve to be happy, so if things aren’t serving me then I owe it to myself to get what will please me. I stare into the abyss, and I take what I can, and what I cannot get on my own, I lie and cheat for, or I will go into debt for it. I will even sacrifice my family if that is what it takes to get me what I deserve to have. If I can be intensely personal with you, I didn’t deserve to watch my wife miscarry so many children. She should have been treated better by the Creator of life itself. We should never have been treated so poorly by a church the claimed to represent Christ to the community. If I had never journeyed across that bridge this book wouldn’t exist, I would harbor deep bitterness against those things that hurt us and a God who didn’t stop these things from happening, and I would still have both of my kidneys. This side of the bridge is sadly where many of us sit. If you don’t believe me, just look at our debt crisis, look at the ladder climbers at work, look at the wrecked and ruined marriages all around us, and maybe in your own life. What do all of these things have in common? Selfish desires and entitlement. One spouse may feel that they deserve a romantic fling, and when found out, the other spouse may feel that they deserve to not be treated as such and shouldn’t be stuck with someone like this who wonders. Please don’t quit reading. I know this is abrasive, but we need to see what happens when these matters of life collide with the gospel. Something special happens when Jesus takes our hand and asks us to go on a journey with him. The Son of God bids us to walk to the suspension bridge that spans the gap from this side to that side, and his Gospel story compels us to step out onto the boardwalk suspended by massive steel cables of grace. As we take our first few steps with Jesus and His gospel, we see our safety slowly coming to an end in itself. The granite ground begins to slope away under the walkway of the bridge with each passing step, and then a few steps more, and it sharply drops off to reveal the dizzying height where we find ourselves. On this journey with Jesus, there is now nothing between us and raging rapids 1,000 feet below except for the Grace of Christ now made manifest in this bridge that we call the Gospel. As we are passed in life by other believers on this bridge, we can feel the suspended walkway shake and sway beneath our feet, reminding us of our total dependence on Him. If He fails, we fall. If the Gospel proves to not be strong enough to hold us up, none of us has any hope. As we progress further and further across this bridge, our granite throne of entitlement fades from view, and we are awestruck by the vision of what our lives could be without him. We stare into the abyss in this canyon and realize that without his grace to hold us up, we would be smashed against the rocks and drowned beneath these rapids. Gripping the steel cable handrail and staring between the boards at the rapids below reminds us we weren’t the first ones to be betrayed. We have been so blinded by those who abuse our trust and betray our love. In the midst of the crashing rapids below, we can just make out an image of someone being beaten… who is that? What have they done? As the scene unfolds and becomes clearer. The spray from the rapids hitting the rocks reveals that this man is now being whipped, but he isn’t fighting back. He isn’t even crying out. He is in anguish, yet he says nothing. Why are they doing this! They just won’t stop hurting him. They’re laughing now. Another man comes near and grabs onto this man’s beard with both hands. Raising his knee to his chest, he kicks this man in the ribs while never letting go of his beard. This wounded servant falls to the ground, but massive portions of his beard are still in the other man’s hand. As we keep inching forward and watching, I can clearly see them beat and torture this man. He’s seated on the ground now; he is covered in his own blood and the spit from several of these evil men. I can see his eyes. Surely this is a kind and good man, and he has the look of one who is losing everything. I have never seen such sorrow in a man’s eyes; sorrow and … love? Another soldier comes into view with something in his hand, a vine or branch of some kind, oh no! It’s a thorny branch tied into a circle about the size of a plate. The soldier’s hand is bleeding and starting to swell from manipulating and handling the thorns. I watch as he puts the thorns on this man’s head, and the others gather around with their rods and laugh as they beat the thorns down into the man’s skull, until the blood and swelling from the poisonous thorns disfigure his face so badly you can’t even tell he is a man anymore—just a swollen piece of bloody flesh. Then I watch as they march him up a hill and brutally crucify him. Just before he dies, he cries out in anguish, but no one is helping. I watched as he seemed to simply stop living. He was truly completely alone. I turn my head from view to try and cloud the vision. My heart is palpitating. My eyes burn with tears. Who could do such a thing and why! The planks beneath my feet and shaking knees come into focus, and I can see the board that holds me up. There inscribed on the board beneath my feel I find, Romans 5:8 etched into the wood, “but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” For me? My whole body goes cold as I am overwhelmed with an unmistakable understanding that this horrific scene laid out was done for me and that this was not his greatest loss but his greatest triumph. I was the cause of this great sacrifice. He allowed himself to be mutilated, but he did that for me. I want to fall to my knees, but Grace holds me at that moment not as an indebted servant, but as a cherished and adopted son, the loved little brother of this God man who was just murdered on my behalf. How can this even be possible! I can clearly see that this vision has not merely occurred below me, but this act is the very girder that holds this bridge up, and keeps us from crashing into the icy waters below. I am held up day-by-day and moment-by-moment by this great sacrifice. A king laid down before murderers so that I could be called a son and not be stuck on the other side of this bridge. The absurdity of my life unfolds before me as I begin to see that the man who has endured so much on my behalf pours out grace on my life. He lavishes blessings on those who call him Savior as well as those who would curse his name. Gratitude begins to make more sense as I begin to see myself for who I really am and the sacrifice that Christ has already made on my behalf. What I formerly wanted and thought I was entitled to fades as I begin to be able to see what I already have been given. The other side of the gorge comes into view as the grace of this realization begins to warm my soul. This Gospel bridge takes us to an end of ourselves, shows us our utter dependence on the only one who has freely given himself for us and now holds us up to proclaim his goodness. Many of you have gone on this journey with Jesus. He has shown you who he is and what he has done for us. As we cross the last few steel suspended wooden planks to the gravel path safely away from the gorge, we fall to our knees now on solid ground, thanking Jesus for how he had led us across a path we could never have taken on our own. Not only was he gracious enough to suspend a bridge and make a way, but he walked with us along the way. With shaky knees from this experience, we take a seat on the gravel path and look back across the gorge in light of the Gospel. Entitlement fades into joyous thanksgiving, and everything that we thought we deserved is clouded from view by the grace of God in the form of a massive bridge held up by suffering, not our own, and it dominates our thinking and perceptions. The granite throne on the other side demands what my flesh believes is just, but on this side of the bridge grace allows me to rest in the sovereignty of things as they are. When this man, Christ Jesus, asks us for anything, how else can we respond but with joy and gladness to be found in his service? If you silently asked yourself at the outset of this book, “Who would give up a kidney?” Can you see now that this was not a decision made on the front side of that bridge as one who controls his own destiny? Can you see that this decision was not even a decision? Can you see that this small act was the gentle hand of a loving Father who has not asked me to suffer as his son did for us? He has given me enough life, and joy, and peace to share with my brother, and in doing so, he has not left me void of gratitude and thanksgiving. He has carried me all the way. He has given me a life full of experiences regaled in these pages and has graciously shown me his hand all along the way. He proved that we were trustworthy on that bridge long before the donation. I believe what Jonathan Edwards said when he said, “You contribute nothing to your salvation except the sin that made it necessary.” We are saved when we are saved, and that salvation is complete, but it is good for us to live in the middle of that bridge. It is good for us to be held up by the gospel totally dependent on His grace to keep us from falling. There are plenty of secular standards by which I could talk myself into facts of why I deserve whatever my flesh wants, and I confess to you, my brothers and sisters, that I visit the other side of the bridge far too often to sit on that granite and lust after the things of the world that I don’t have but feel that I should. If we are being honest with each other, as I have been honest with you, we have all been there. Some of us are there right now. Can you allow this simple story of how God used a selfish, self-important, self-entitled man like myself, and with that, will you rely on Him to do what he wants to with you? You probably don’t need to donate an organ, but is he asking you to? You probably don’t need to grow your family through adoption or foster care, but is he asking you to? And if he is asking you do something, are you considering that request from entitlement rock, or from your knees on the other side of the bridge held up by a man who only condescended to become a man so that in that humanity he could submit to death itself in order that you and I might have full redemption, adoption, and a power to live in him made possible by his resurrection? Thank you for reading. For those of you who made it this far, here is my prayer for you: Father, thank you for the life that I have in you. Thank you for the prayer that Jesus lifted up to you in John 17. Thank you that you have made way for us to have oneness with you, your son, and the Spirit. Thank you for giving me this book. Thank you that someone besides myself has now read it. May it serve only to glorify you, your wisdom, your goodness, and your sovereignty. Father, will you please show these readers the impossible task ahead of them? Will you impress on their hearts what you have for them just as you have done repeatedly for Julia and me? Will you grow their faith as you have grown mine, just enough to take each next step? Father, will you show yourself to be mighty? Will you show them and others around them how trustworthy and dependable you are? When they suffer, can you give them faith to keep walking, and when the suffering is complete, will you give them hindsight displaying your sovereignty, Glory, and wisdom? Father, will you overwhelm these readers, as you have overwhelmed me, with your kindness and gentleness in all things? In their suffering, help them to feel your goodness. In their successes, please help them to know that the foundation of all of these good things comes from you. Father, you are worthy of our praise, and you have proven yourself to be worthy of our trust. In the name of your son, Jesus, and for your great glory, I pray these things, Amen. SEO Type jargon. Move along ... Hello, and welcome to my not a blog blog! So, I wrote a book, and I want the message of that book to get out regardless of whether or not anyone buys a copy of the book. A blog, so I hear, is a great way to take advantage of SEO and make sure that people who WANT to find content that my book covers will have a clear path to it’s happy little home in the Amazon marketplace and should then be able to walk away with a hard copy, kindle version, or Audible copy of said book. To that end, I will be releasing sneak previews and portions to each chapter over the next several weeks. Can I buy the book today? No, sorry. While it is completed, edited, and proofed, the audio version is currently being recorded by a guy with a much better voice than my own. I have no idea what I am doing in publishing, but I think I want to release it all at once. How did you get your book on Amazon? Well, I am a brilliant author, but I also used Kindle Direct Publishing (KDP) that allows me to manage and upload my own manuscript(s), audio, and artwork. So what is the book about? Sovereign and Gentle is a window into my happy little family for those of you who don’t know us as well as a deeper look for those who do. The book will even be informative to some of my closest friends, as I don’t talk about much of this content often. The book opens with the prospect of either Julia or myself donating a Kidney, follows that painful journey, and then backtracks to cover some of our struggles with infertility, multiple miscarriages, foster care, and adoption. I even sprinkled in some real estate investing horror stories for you guys. The story is framed by key passages from Scripture that have been especially meaningful to me, and the climax of the book seeks to honor and praise God, who has gifted us in all things to be able to serve him in and through our struggles. Did I discuss the big church from college days that laid me off on multiple occasions and kicked us out of a house after the pastor went up the river? I did, and I don’t think I’m bitter… I think... I’m a work in progress there, but I hope that I framed that experience in such a manner that others who have been beaten up by institutions can find comfort in the one who is sovereign over all things and in His ultimate plan.